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THINGS I CARE MOST ABOUT: (1-2 MINS): This outcome was my worst fear. I didn't want to cause pain to anyone, and hate that I couldn't remove it. I never thought I'd be this; I broke all my own rules. I wanted to protect you, and us - I was terrified that our feelings could one day be poisoned by pain, guilt and shame.

I've also worried about you, and what you've endured in this. I can't yet forgive myself for causing you harm, or for my role in your feelings of self-loathing and failure. I'm so sorry.

I don't believe that anyone's defined by the worst thing they've done, or a single chapter in their life, but I struggle with feeling less than before, as much as I've struggled with the loss of you.

I know that in our conversations I've seemed selfish. Time was limited, and I felt I had to focus on obtaining certain answers in order to move forward. I wanted to say so much more, and follow up on things you said - but felt I could not. What we spoke about doesn't reflect everything I think or feel, nor what I care about most. It's possible to feel pain for myself, and to want answers only you can give, while still caring most about you. (BACK)

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