BARRIERS (2-3 MINS): There were multiple reasons for my barriers: mainly our situation, as you knew, but also my background and things in my marriage, that I never got to tell you. I fought for a while, but it was irresistible and all-consuming. I felt ashamed when you once jokingly said you ``didn't know where my boundaries were'': with everyone else, my whole life, I've never failed like this.
I was happy when we met: I couldn't conceive there was a man on the planet that could tempt me to modify the life I loved. I didn't need you to fulfill anything missing in me, or boost my ego - I didn't ``need you''. Yet, I fell for you completely and unexpectedly - with this unique person who collided with my world. I felt connected to, drawn to, and attracted to you in a way I hadn't experienced before. It wasn't created in a vacuum: it was our dynamic that made it, in your words, ``magnetic''. I grew to trust you, despite the situation, and despite my past. It felt like you'd always been part of my life, and I didn't want you to leave it. I fell in love, at the wrong time, and with someone I wasn't supposed to. It's not a justification, and doesn't erase anyone's pain. It's simply the truth.
I know you understood when I said we'd have to say Goodbye on our own terms - it wasn't because I didn't want you, it was because I did. We neither had the time, nor did circumstances allow, for anything stable or committed to develop, but I never wanted that door completely closed. Ultimately, regardless of outcome, I just wanted you safe and happy.
You may recall, on that last day, I was a bit abrupt (with a tone of: ``OK, come round if you want''). It was because I knew, if I saw you one more time, the last of my barriers would crumble. I was afraid of the point-of-no-return, afraid of being hurt, afraid of hurting others, afraid of no longer being able to deny what it made me. Before that, I'd felt that as long as I took ``no action'', there was one barrier neither of us would cross. As I predicted, by the time you left, all resistance had gone. I didn't want to hold back any longer, and I knew what I'd do next. As you left you said: ``I'll message you tomorrow!''. I didn't know we'd never properly see each other again. Much less that you would not care. (BACK)